life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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