No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
