The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
