what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
