I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize