i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
