theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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