I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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