I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She bit a glass in half.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
