omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
