I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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