Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
