I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
