I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
false alarm, still single
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
