goodnight i made you a song goodbye
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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