if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
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It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Is Oprah even human
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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