How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
