I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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