Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My ass is underappreciated
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
