I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
