dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
