Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
