I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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