I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
