I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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