I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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