Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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