I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
