someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
