if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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