My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
