Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
