hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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