I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm always down for nudity.
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