Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
