My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
