I heard we made out
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
