So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
