can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
