bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
