I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
