Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
