She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
