My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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