that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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