I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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