oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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