Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
