somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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