When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
