just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
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A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
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I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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