I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
