how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
tell me about the eggs
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