Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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