ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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