Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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