I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
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it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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