I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
