maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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